How do I come to a place in myself where I can justify what has happened to me?

It came without notice but with sudden force.  I was blind sided or maybe I wasn't.  My foundation not only shifted but cracked and I found myself stretched between the two with only myself as the connect.  When it happened, I don't know.  How it happened, I can't figure it out.  What I can tell you is that I was struck with such force that came from all directions that I did not know how to defend myself or what I was to defend myself against.  Yes, it came that fast.

Here I am in the middle of it, trying to recollect the memory of what I was prior.  I could care less about what I have lost, no, let me rephrase that.  I did care about what had been lost but when I realized that I didn't recognize myself, nothing else seemed to matter.  Life is funny, the things I thought mattered before, means absolutely nothing to me now.  I have no peace, I have no joy, I have no idea how to conjure the will power to face the clean up.  The clean up of me.  Pain teaches me that I am human.  Life teaches me that I really don't have the control that I think that I have.

What I have experienced, no human language can explain.  I know of no words that can fully define this struggle. I have endured many things in my life, but this, this particular storm has knocked wind from me.  This storm has separated me from the person that I once knew...me.  I wake in the morning not believing or understanding why I am still here. The dullness in my heart stems from not knowing how to respond to the weakness that consumes me. My eyes hurt from the tears that take residence every hour of the day.  I have the ability of my limbs yet with every movement it feels like I am full of lead.  I see no reprieve. I see no light.  It is clear that no one can put me back together, except me.  This is a storm that has taken and tested.  How do I come to a place in myself where I can justify what has happened to me?

Understand that you are not alone!