A 17 year old virgin. That is me. It is crazy because I see my friends discussing how good sex is with this one and that one, yet when the boy stops ringing the phone, that smile quickly fades away. They tell me so many times how stupid I am for not having sex. I just smile because they only worries I have is getting into college not the panic from a drug store pregnancy test or a trip to a clinic without the other piece of the puzzle that helped get me there.
I don't judged what my friends do. I listen to their stories of "passion" and how good it felt to have him inside of her. I get it. We all want boys to like us. We want to feel like we are worthy to be in his personal space where for that moment only him and I exist. Trust me, I get it. What I don't get is why my decision to not have sex is not respected or quite frankly rejected.
When I got in trouble with my Mom, she would say, if so and so jumped off the building would you? I go against the normal creed. I live in a day where originality is seen as abnormal and ridiculed. In groups of friends, the issue of sex always comes up. When I say that I am a virgin, they stare at my like I am a participant in a freak show. Come on people. I am curious about sex. I get wet. I have feelings. I am human. I want to be in someones arms. My body reacts when I see a cute guy. I fantasize about being bent over. I am human. I have just decided that I don't want just any man to have that piece of me.
My decision is not based off of religious propaganda. In fact, I get upset when I see church women teaching us about abstinence when none of them have lived the life or better yet only speak to young girls in a youth session where they use the time to grand stand, not realizing that they are making a fool of themselves in front of us. The church is a joke when it comes to teaching its youth about sexual conduct. All they say is don't do it. Wait. But never really explain why we are waiting or how to wait, or how it feels to wait. But hey, these women can't teach on something that they have not experienced.
My decision solely came from the fact that I did not want to end up like my friends. I don't want to be a mom. I am just learning me, which is hard enough. I can't learn two people at one time. Above all, I don't want to be hurt. Sex is serious. I see how love or what we think is love can really destroy the mind and kill emotions. I want my mind. I want to be whole. I don't want to broken unnecessarily to spend even more unnecessary time trying to rebuild myself. I have seen my mom, my grand mom, almost every woman in my family go through that cycle. I don't want it! I don't! Some things I see some women endure, I realize that I am not built for. I just believe that I deserve a lot more. I don't want my future to be out of my reach from my decisions. I have a hard enough time convincing myself that my dreams are a hands reach away. I don't want my decisions to pull me in the wrong direction.
I know I am only 17 and I have a lot of life to see. I just want to do it with clear eyes, a clear heart, and a clear mind. This is why I choose to wait.
No comments:
Post a Comment